Asking for Advice: Skype Scandal
by misscompetitive
So, I am not sure what to do about this.
Boy, nicknamed Wolf. Slept with him once. Pretty casual, but we have more fun together than the really casual things. Sounds great right? WRONG.
I am sorry, I shouldnt take this out on you. Basically, I, ultra casually, asked him to Skype one evening, and the conversation went like this (I am risking him finding this completely copy and pasted conversation because, well, I love you.):
Beautiful Girl who happens to be me: heya skype this week?
August 2
Wolf: hey, you free saturday?
August 2
Beautiful Girl who happens to be me: yessssssss, but only after 6pm my time, which is like 11pm for you. is that past your bedtime?
Saturday
Wolf: it is a little, i have to be up at 4.30 tomorrow. are you free next week?
Saturday
Beautiful Girl who happens to be me: 430, that’s rough. Next week works better actually cuz ima be babysitting my three yr old all day. Gimme a shout when you want me
16 hours ago
Wolf: free tonight or tomorrow night?
14 hours ago
Beautiful Girl who happens to be me: i will be home/on skype 12pm-4:30pm today (which is 5pm-9:30pm i think for you) sooo CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
You Honest Abes out there let me know if I sounded too needy, but I did not feel needy at all. That is until 4:30pm (like 9:30 for him) rolled around and he was nowhere to be seen.
The first problem will be difficult for any of you to solve, and I am not just saying that to sound complicated and misunderstood. The first problem is that I felt a lot more hurt by his absence then I thought I would be. In my mind, he is not that great, he is just really really really good-looking, and took care of me when I was crying once. So not only did I not care for him much when I made this fatal Skype request, but him not being on is not necessarily a rejection. These were vague plans at all. If for some reason he was preoccupied, I do not think he had an obligation to tell me. So what is so messed up in my internal workings that computed this situation and came up with: I, thusly, will be depressed for the remainder of today.
The second problem, I expect real advice on. What do I do know? Do I just not say anything further and leave the ball in his court? Do I ask him what happened today? Do I message him again asking is he is free another day? To complicate matters, me and him are friends, so our relationship never was only romantic. If it was some guy that picked me up in a bar I would have no doubt about leaving the ball in his court, but me and him started out as chill friends, and in terms of being chill friends, missing out on a Skype sesh is totally fine.
It is a minor problem, but it is a common problem for me and other Beautiful girls who happen not to be me. I say, together, we figure out a solution once and for all, FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE! Let’s find the cure for the Common Cold of Relationships.
I’m not that great at this kinda stuff but I think you need to play it real cool. Real cool, in this day and age people don’t take connection seriously enough. Instead everyone always thinks everything else is replaceable. Play it cool but don’t go overboard to drive home the point. If you don’t hear from him, I would check but act like you’re really just being a sophisticate and considerate (but keep it short). Really short.
Hope that helps.
I just think women have to make sure to take care of themselves (as if you were protecting your own little sister).
I really love that sister analogy. It is true, we forget to be kind to ourselves. I will pass that on!
He did get back to me about rescheduling the date, and I gave a super short reply, which I feel pretty good about. It was not bitter, but not too friendly either.
*Fist to air.* Haha. Glad. Hmmm. I think this guy kinda likes you. But I’m glad you played it smart. Keep doing so.
The fact that he wasn’t on skype is a rejection. If he was obsessing over you as much as you are over him he would have been on there.
That is very likely to be true … Thank you for you honesty! I needed someone else to tell me that.
What do YOU want out of this ?
That is a goooood question.
I’m not sure what want in terms of a relationship with Wolf. But I think that is good, I do not want to date him yet but I do not NOT want to date him. I want to see where it goes, and how compatible we are, etc. Which I think it s healthy mature goal.
However, what I definitely do not want, is to feel these bouts of sadness whenever something little like that happens. I want dating to be fun and successful and not a test, which is what it feels like.
I agree, Dating and beyond should be fun. The Hippy and I just passed the 5 year married mark and we have a blast with life every day. If it isn’t fun, whats the point?
You asked for advice, so… here goes! Waiting by the “phone.” Been there done that many times, and the end result is ALWAYS the same. To quote a famous book, “he’s just not that into you.” It probably won’t matter if you get this advice from everyone you know, you’ll still want to keep trying.
Be strong, Beautiful Girl Who Happens to Be You.
I will! I agree, you are right. Logically I know you are right. I just have to not listen to my romantic teenage girl side.
As an update, he just messaged me asking to Skype tomorrow. I thought about what being strong would mean in this case, as in would a strong woman ignore him or give him a second chance, etc. Let me know what you think about this Lolabees, but I decided that a strong woman would not not immediately cast a guy out for making one “mishap” because in a way that’s a defense mechanism as well. However, a strong woman would also not forget the mishap. So I asked him what time he wants to Skype. If I happen to have nothing planned that hour I will talk to him for 20 min or so. If I am busy, then I will just tell him I can’t and that maybe I’ll talk to him some other time. That way he realizes he snoozes he loses! lol
I can agree with your answer about what does it mean to be strong. Sounds like you have a good plan– keeping some boundaries. So what’s the worst that can happen? You might get upset for a while, but it will only lead to you knowing yourself better. If it keeps happening, and you find that the relationship causes you to be more insecure than secure about yourself, then maybe that’s your clue. You’ll know what to do when you need to do it– that’s my theory. I usually don’t give my 2 cents with these things b/c I know sometimes I don’t like to hear it when I’m in that place.
Good luck!
Yes, what was that movie with Jennifer Aniston: “He’s Just Not into You?” I’m not saying he’s not into you, but that movie gives good advice. And it sounds like he’s far away right now. I had a b’friend who lived far away, and I never even knew he was cheating, only that he seemed to blow me off alot. Then there was another who was definitively a friend with benefits: he wined me, dined me, and sometimes we would just fall asleep together. I was sure we would be together someday, but after 5 long years (10 if you count that we took a lot of time off from each other at one point) I realized that he would never commit. So just take care of your own feelings.
Time for my guy perspective!, No you’re not needy, but like viralsalome16 said, just play it cool, Because if a girl starts blowing me up, I will feel as if she is trying to hard to get my attention like she needs me or she will die if she doesn’t get me. You have to understand that he’s busy and you have to respect it. He will eventually realize that he’s missing something and he WILL come around. Hope this helped.
Ooo, always love a guy’s perspective. Yeah, that makes sense. Girls probably seem that because since finding ‘the one’ is sometimes to ingrained in our sense of self, that we take every boy that comes our way as a CHANCE FOR FOREVER, which is a hellovalot pressure to put on one poor boy trying to get to know us lol
Exactly, So just have some patience and faith and you’ll be alright.
I’ve got to ask whether you like him in person, but kind of like.. like… the ‘idea’ of him more? Sounds like you like, the idea of him being in your life, but is that really what you need? Sounds obvious, but sometimes what we want is not what we really need at this moment in time. Next time you feel the urge to sky/call/text take ten minutes to ask yourself why – remember to leave any forms of communication well alone after a glass (or three) of wine
. Why do you feel the need to make contact? Definitely keep in mind us girls think about all of this stuff very differently to the average man (I know, I know, except for those gems out there).
I’m gonna be honest, I really like the idea of sleeping with him again. And I can separate myself from my attraction to him enough to know that I don’t have genuine FEELINGS for him. That being said, he is the only boy I am attracted to at the moment, so he is constantly on my mind, and he gives me butterflies and makes me nervous, and yeah it is easy to get attached when you are attracted.
So maybe that DOES mean that I only like the idea of him, but I go through all the motions of actually liking him, so what am I to do?
think less, dont test, let things flow. that way you won’t be disappointed about anything
I should think less, and I should stop testing! But I am not sure how to go with the flow anymore …
Hi! Well that is a bit of a pickle. If I were you I wouldn’t take him not showing up to personal. You gave a specific time to find you… He probably couldn’t make it. I think you should get in touch with him and ask HIM what time would be best for HIM. It seems clear he had the intent to see you, otherwise he wouldn’t of have kept in touch about it. So get in touch with him.
I hope you are right. He ended up getting in touch in the end, which is a bit of a relief.
Live and learn.
I’m no Dear Abby, but it seems you should consider what you want out of this “relationship.”
If feeling respected is high on your list AND this makes you feel dissed, drop him.
If you don’t feel dissed, just want some fun with a cute guy and no worries, keep things cool and keep having fun.
Completely agree, the root of the problem is that I feel disrespected. The only thing is, Dear Abby, is that how do I know if my standards for respect are manageable? To be honest, if I had the same kind of Skype date with someone who is just a friend, I wouldnt think twice about them not being on, I’d shrug it off. Sometimes I’m busy too, I mean there are THREE different Real Housewives on right now, I’ve got TV to watch … but for some reason I am not so cool with a boy I am attracted to. Am I right to have this double standard or does it have to do with my insecurities with men?
GIRL! Really? This shouldn’t even be a question… Well okay, all jokes aside, I get why you are thinking like this. Even though you say you don’t like him all that much. But I think you kinda do.
Men usually don’t cherish what is handed to them on a plate. Maybe its the hunters instinct? They like to chase and when they get chased they are not really that interested anymore. Don’t wait for him to give you confirmation on what you are worth.
If he can’t be bothered to make time for you this time, don’t think it will be any easier next time. Don’t put yourself through this kinda stuff, it will give you wrinkles, and no guy is worth getting wrinkles over
Haha, I love any comment that starts with “GIRL!”
“If he can’t be bothered to make time for you this time, don’t think it will be any easier next time.” — I have been repeating this sentence all day, thank you.
Communication is key to any relationship! Tell him it hurt your feelings that he missed the Skype date. If he’s the kind of guy worth being friends/relationshippy with, he’ll care, and want to explain, and he won’t want you to feel angry, hurt, and left wondering what happened. Trust me.
The attitude many women have towards men, the “I’m going to be passive, and not tell you my feelings, because I know you don’t actually care–and guys don’t like being chased” sentiment is complete bull. It’s insulting to the males out there who are actually nice guys and *do* care. And it’s degrading to yourself. You deserve a person who actually gives a damn how you feel.
I think that talking about your feelings is actually a sigh of strength. I guess usually girls dont do it because on some level they know their feelings are exaggerated. I know I fit into that category sometimes.
But word, I deserve a nice guy. I’m not even one of those girls who doesnt like nice guys. Its just that nice guys dont like me! lol or at least the bad guys are more obvious about it.
I think your ‘waiting to see how it goes’ plan is only going to get you hurt if he isn’t going the same thing, establish what his thoughts are about this and work from there. I hope it all works out for you.
I definitely risk getting hurt, but I do not know what I want from him, I cant expect him too. I bet he is on the same page as me in that respect, only maybe a little emotionally healthy lol. Or you know, maybe just a dick!
Time will tell.
Hmm. You were friends before the feelings/possible feelings so your situation is either a little easier to approach because of that or made more complicated by what you could lose, however I do think that since you already have that friend bond that you could easily talk things through without either of you being led on/getting hurt. Good luck!
hhmmm… I don’t know if anyone is in any position to give the perfect advice… I am in a similar hot and cold situation. But I will say this.
Everyone express care differently, some rarely show it but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. I had a great guy who did so many things my friends thought was amazing but i missed out on seeing it because i was looking for a different kinds of signs, in the end i missed out because didnt take an outside the box perspective..
But then since we girls are not psychic, and we can never know if ‘he is that into you’, we just have to be watchful of ourselves and how we let things like this affect US. Do what you feel, but do not expect Anything, that way you won’t get disappointed. if it turns out great *wohooo!*, if not…well, you weren’t expecting anything.
Darling, you were so not being needy. Sometimes people just forget. It just sounds like you two were playing skype tag.
Keep your options open in the meantime and don’t take anything he does or doesn’t do personally. You’re too smart for that.
The ball is definitely in his court. Don’t message him, play it cool. If he doesn’t say anything or message back, his loss. You deserve better!
Looks like you already have a bunch of advice…think of real estate – location, location, location. Time difference says to me, well at least for romance you need someone just a tad closer. Here I talk my guy travels all the time, but we are already married. As for your friend it could be any number of legit reasons so try not to put the cart before the horse and take it all so personally. Be well.
Leave the ball in his court. If he is interested he will pursue even if there is a time difference.
MissCompetitive…. There is nothing more “chase” inspiring from a man’s perspective than a woman that doesn’t seem to have the time of day for him. Watch “The Ugly Truth”
hmm, sounds like you have tons of good advice. I would say, don’t take it personally, something may have come up, but if it comes up ask him as a matter of fact, by the way what happened etc. It seems he likes you too
just keep busy 
make lists maybe voulunteerrrr get another job, time will go by fast 
you could invite him, he ‘ll prob invite you first tho, wait it out for a while, let us know how it goes:)
I AGREE WITH WHAT SOMEONE ELSE SAID(A LONG SCROLL UP) THAT DATING SHOULDN’T MAKE YOU MORE INSECURE THAN SECURE. LET IT GO AND SEE HIM COME FLYING BACK LIKE A BOOMERANG. IF YOU ARE FREE WHEN HE WANTS TO SKYPE AND YOU FEEL LIKE IT THEN GO AHEAD. TBF TO HIM NO FIRM PLANS WERE MADE SO IF YOU SHOW HIM YOU WERE UPSET YOU MAY COME ACROSS CRAZY AS OPPOSED TO THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL YOU HAPPEN TO BE XXX
(my phone has turned my commeny to capa not shouting sorry)